In light of recent findings that black women are the least successful with online dating and my wish for an egalitarian partner, two weeks ago I registered with e-Harmony. Mine was an unpaid registration that consisted of answering questions, filling out a profile, and submitting two of my May graduation pictures during the free communication week-end (late December). I was sent an estimated 100 matches (ethnic/racial breakdown: majority Euro-American close second African-American, one Korean and one Latino). As I was not a paying subscriber their pictures were concealed. I was intrigued by about four but I initiated contact with about twenty. In the e-Harmony system unless you specify a “fast—track approach” you go through four stages of structured communication which culminates in an open communication stage. Four initiated communication with me, one made it to the third communication level and another to open communication both were African Americans.
- The first was a computer tech and youth minister of music, who sailed through the first two stages until premarital sex blew us off course. He sent a question about pre-marital sex and I selected the response that “I do not believe in premarital sex” then he selected “sex was okay if marriage was imminent.” My next question, a polite way of saying get lost was, “what is your theology of sex?” He abruptly “closed communication” and his stated reason was that our values were too different. The second “close match” was a cop who seemed to have all the right answers. I especially liked his response to the question about traditional gender roles where he wrote that as he could cook, clean, wash and change diapers the only role he wanted his mate to fill was to love only him. Was I in egalitarian heaven?
- Only open communication would tell. I called from a blocked number. Over the course of the conservation he ate, brushed his teeth, and apologized for doing so. He not so skilfully asked me about my immigration status. He advised me that I would have more success on e-Harmony if my profile picture was the one of me in a spaghetti strap knee length dress rather than the one in cap and gown, to which I responded that I was not trying to attract shallow men. But what really sealed his fate was his take on egalitarianism. He became quite agitated, loud and incoherent when I told him that I believed everyone was equal. He argued that things that are different cannot be equal “women can have children and men cannot” (men can impregnate women ;-). To buttress his argument he stated that the word/bible said so. I queried whether he an African -American male was equal to Euro-Americans and he stated that race did not impair one’s abilities. My second question was whether a neurosurgeon was superior to him a cop and he respond yes. After his rant I was silent, and realizing that something was amiss he apologized for becoming so worked up. He indicated that he was pressed for time and needed to drop his child off. He said he was willing to discuss this further. I appreciated his only slightly belated honesty (some men would have waited much longer) and closed communication.
- My take on e-Harmony? check out edatereview.com If you have seen the e-Harmony advertisements matches are allegedly based on more than “a picture and a paragraph” rather they are “based on 29 dimension of compatibility.”1. However these pre-screenings do not include background checks and you know us humans and honour systems. 2. Similarities in answers do not necessarily mean someone is a “highly compatible match” as responses are not necessarily honest or accurate. 3. Though Dr Warren is a psychologist the “29 dimensions of compatible questionnaire” does not measure psychological health 4. There are more women on e-Harmony than men. 5. Finally, I prefer the old fashion ways of meeting “highly compatible matches;” while living and doing the things that make you feel most alive (not the ones you do for appearances) look out for the people doing them for similar reasons and viola your “highly compatible matches.”
- Renegade – “ One Love”
